K I W I C O N
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4:20PM FRIDAY 12 AUGUST 2016 DATACENTRE IN URBAN WELLINGTON
At first, the incident response proceeds like countless others. A bored contract
PwC technician perches on a stool, watching the internal state of MD5 increment
as a torrent of bytes streams off the fourth disk of the storage array onto the
forensic copy.
Outside the roar of the hot aisle fans, in a hastily appropriated meeting room,
the lead investigator became increasingly belligerent.
“Let me get this straight, Steve… you knew you weren’t getting attacked by a
NATION STATE, because what?”
Steve, the acting CSO, falters. “Well I uh, I mean, the risk register doesn’t …
and the antivirus… I mean, the McAf…”
“What? McAfee? Like as in John McAfee? Did you just say that?!”
“But the saleswoman said the heuristics… the best of breed…”
“So you put it on your ‘risk register’? And then you mitigated it with ‘McAfee’?
I uh… I’m gonna need to call someone, Steve. This is above my pay band. You stay
here. And don’t. Touch. Anything.”
The investigator pulls out his Blackberry, nervously picking at the worn corner
where it rubbed on its holster. He dials, the prefix dancing through the RAN,
the SIGTRAN, and into an obscure interconnect on a working line card in one of
the few NEAX still purring deep in the core. An ISDN channel lights, across a
path even the LI gateway doesn’t know to mediate.
Ring voltage.
Off hook.
“Horowhenua Hangi Hut may I take your order?”
“CUT THE CRAP MOULDER!” barks the investigator “this is serious. We need you and
Scullery here now, this case is yours! We got some real occult spooky-fingers
crap going down. This guy he believes he saw…”
The investigator pauses eyeing Steve with derision “he says he mitigated risk
with McAfee ANTIVIRUS.”
Moulder cups his hand over the receiver. “Yo Sculls, let’s roll! We gotta
another one of these Cargo Cult infosec things! The risk register stuff! I bet
they got loads of firewalls. Grab your coat! Maybe we’ll see a Bigfoot too!”
“Moulder, you know Quantum sold its storage unit to Maxtor, and Seagate bought
that. The Bigfoot is a myth.”
Moulder cannot ignore the bait, continuing to argue as they leave.
“But the information I got from a thread on HNN clearly states that…”
Slamming the door behind them, the inscription in the glass shudders with the
impact.
KIWICON SPECIAL INVESTIGATION DIVISION
PARANORMAL | OCCULT | CARGO CULTS
UNIDENTIFIED IMPLANTED OBJECT CODES
INFOSEC | RISK REGISTERS
THE KX - FILES
<cue spooky music/>
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KIWICON X - CALL FOR PAPERS
You seen some strange shit? Some magical thinking? Like risk registers? Occult,
witchcraft, magic boxes filled with patents and smoke, all painted red like
salesweasel blood? Were you abducted at a conference, only to awaken in a hotel
room bed with Homeland Security? Did you mitigate a risk to critical
infrastructure by garnishing a vivisected fish with tea leaves because that’s
the same as any other best practice? Who needs actuarial data to make decisions?
Did the Tūrehu play the song of “I AM YOUR COMPENSATING CONTROL” in your ear
while visions danced in the cloud of Motueka’s finest at your risk board
meeting?
Suspend your reality and open your third eye to behold the machine elves behind:
KIWICON X
NEW ZEALAND’S HACKER CON
TEN YEARS OF FAITH HEALING
17 - 18 NOVEMBER MMXVI
WELLINGTON, AOTEAROA
Share your revelations into the cosmic glory of your inner self, where
probabilistic risk assessment is the methodology by which we protect national
critical infrastructure from well funded adversaries with stuffed tchotchke
ducks. Submit your tales of ancient worlds, of alien abductions, of the finest
original crypto algorithms, and commodity fetishism that is COMPUTER SECURITY.
Send us your ancient wisdoms via this form:
https://goo.gl/forms/QLV1gNWzzVUOAEdV2 submissions close 14 October 2016.
Kiwicon is New Zealand’s own hacker-con-slash-variety show, now in its tenth
year. Our 2000+ seat venue in Wellington is just 10 mins by air from the
Kaikoura peninsula, site of one of our most famous UFO encounters, and the
Waihopai radomes, site of Five Eyes and Nicky Hager getting his sneak on. We’re
cheap (read “have no money to pay speakers travel, accommodation or
honorarium”), cheerful (read “but we’ll handwrite you a thank you note”) and
have a single track to keep it simple. Our preferred talk content is generally
what you’d expect for a hacker con; we keep talks short (15-45 mins), we like
new technical content, and encourage interpretative dance numbers, musical acts
and infosec poetry.
<3
The Crüe Who Stare At Sheep.